This has been a long, long year. It still amazes me at how time is perceived differently - September feels like a lifetime ago, but I’m also struggling to comprehend that the past 8 months have gone so damn quickly.
Three weeks into September I was in hospital, after deciding to take my own life. Why I chose to do this was a combination of being fed up of having to deal with horrifically shitty human beings, coupled with dealing with the effects of long-term mental health problems including PTSD-like symptoms, depression, and in my earlier years, mild gender dysphoria. There is only so much bullshit an old queer can take you know?
Whilst the things that led to that suicide attempt were all manner of troubling to horrific, what kept me from going over the edge, as I lay there with the bedsheets soaked through with my own blood, was why I went back into education. It was the thoughts of all the good folks I’ve met over my life. My family. It was what I intend to do with my architecture training. The thing that my Mother taught me when I was still in single digits – “Never let the bastards win”. The suicide felt like pushing a reset button in a way – kinda like that old tech adage of “turning it off then on again”, and with the psychotherapy I’ve been receiving since, along with the architectural studying, I’ve kept going.
At the end of term 1, I had a mental breakdown the first weekend after we broke up. Not surprising really. Everything I had to deal with kinda crashed my brain a bit. Threw another wobbly during Term 2. During all these occasions, I had some absolutely amazing people pulling me through, and providing hugs & advice when I needed them. I have met some truly amazing people these past couple of years.
Yeh, its bee a tough year personally & academically. However, it has also been fun, engaging, educational, mind-bending. And I am still here, want to be here, and am engaged. Architecture is what I want, what I need, and what I am intend on evolving and expanding upon. Regardless of how my grades look after marking, I am going to be here again next year.
Why? I am a tenacious old queer with a purpose, a vision, and more than one objective to fulfil.